★★★★★
“Three rinses a day. I have not completed a subordinate clause since March.”
Personal Care
MAGA Mouthwash™
Kills 99.9% of nuance.
$19.76
Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.
Nuance builds up along the gumline of every conversation — the "howevers," the "it depends," the "to be fair." MAGA Mouthwash™ kills 99.9% of it in a single 30-second rinse, leaving a clean, absolute, minty finish.
Available in Original Blue and Extra Certainty.
ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice
Drug Facts
Active ingredientPurpose
Cetylpyridinium Chloride 0.07%, Absolutism 21%Nuance antiseptic
Uses
- Kills the words "however," "arguably," and "on the other hand"
- Reduces qualifying clauses by up to 99.9%
- Freshens takes
Warnings
- Do not swallow. Swallowing your take is the opposite of the intended effect.
- The surviving 0.1% of nuance is drug-resistant and should be avoided.
- May cause dry mouth, hot takes, and estrangement.
Directions
- Fill cap to line.
- Swish 30 seconds. Do not gargle — gargling reintroduces complexity.
- Spit out qualifiers. Do not rinse with water.
Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.
Verified* Reviews
*Not verified. Not reviews. Not real people.
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